In today’s New York Times, David Brooks wrestles with one of the most fundamental questions of our time: “Is life more 
like baseball, or is it more like soccer?” Brooks makes a couple of reasonably good points about soccer – that winning is all about controlling space, that the sport doesn’t lend itself to statistical analysis – and then quickly transitions to his usual faux-philosophical rambling. The article contains classic Brooks-ian pronouncements like “awareness of the landscape of reality is the highest form of wisdom” and “genius is in practice perceiving more than the conscious reasoning.” It is monumentally stupid. Enjoy!
In For The Hat Trick
INTELLIGENT FOOTBALL COMMENTARY
Grading ESPN’s World Cup Coverage
I’ve written a review of ESPN’s World Cup coverage for Deadspin.
ESPN’s coverage of the 2010 World Cup received widespread acclaim, both from lay viewers experiencing soccer for the first time and from hardcore fans desperate for a Marcelo Balboa-less tournament. This year, ESPN has followed a similar formula, with largely positive results.
Don’t. Tell. Me. The. Score.
In last weekend’s New York Times Magazine, Chuck Klosterman discusses an issue every soccer fan has 
grappled with: the ethics of spoiling match results. Klosterman concludes that “a live event is a form of breaking news” and that therefore no one is morally obliged to keep quiet about the World Cup around friends and coworkers planning to watch games on DVR.
Fair enough, I suppose. But why ruin someone’s viewing experience if you can avoid it? If I hear the score of a game I’ve recorded, it’s usually because one of my so-called friends decided to play a hilarious prank.
A Few Notes On Day 1 Of The Round of 16
Brazil needs to calm down. Brazil’s players don’t merely sing the national anthem; they bellow it with a
manic intensity I find slightly disturbing. After opening day of the tournament, many fans hailed the pre-match a capella performance as a moving example of the squad’s patriotic spirit. But in recent games, the emotional screaming has begun to seem indicative of a serious problem: Brazil’s inability to exert steady control over matches it should win. The size of David Luiz’s eyeballs dramatically increases as he passionately howls the anthem, but Luiz remains a sloppy defender prone to stupid mistakes. And if Luiz Gustavo continues to hack opposing players with the same enthusiasm he brings to each rendition of “Hino Nacional Brasileiro,” he will eventually get sent off. The team needs to relax. At the moment, it feels like only a matter of time before a Brazilian player high on nationalistic fervor tries to bite somebody.
Neymar is a seriously cool customer. Unlike his teammates, Neymar seems completely immune to the manifold pressures associated with playing football in a stadium full of expectant Brazilians. If he’d missed his penalty and Chile had won the shootout, Neymar probably wouldn’t have made it out of Belo Horizonte with his head intact. And yet he was still confident enough to pause for some cool but unnecessary stutter steps in another ridiculous run-up.
How Do You Say “Laser-gate” In Russian?
Fabio Capello has blamed Russia’s embarrassing exit from the 2014 World Cup on the meddlesome fan who 
pointed a laser at keeper Igor Akinfeev’s face mere seconds before Islam Slimani headed the goal that sent Algeria to the next round. “You can see that in the footage,” Capello said after the game. “This is not an excuse – it is a fact.”
The laser incident isn’t the first time a fan has tried to hobble a player at this year’s tournament. Earlier this month, Ghanaian witch doctor Nana Kwaku Bonsam (aka Devil of Wednesday) claimed he placed a curse on Cristiano Ronaldo’s knee. Ronaldo started all three of Portugal’s games, but he played poorly and scored only one goal. That’s a fact. You can see it in the footage.
Another Team Implodes
Many of us woke up this morning to the news that the Ghanaian Football Association has suspended Kevin 
Prince Boateng and Sulley Muntari from Ghana’s World Cup squad. According to early reports, Boateng launched an Anelka-esque verbal assault on coach Kwesi Appiah (“words like ‘fuck off’ were said”) and Muntari attacked an official from the Ghanaian FA.
I’m incredibly curious about Muntari’s “unprovoked physical attack”: Was it a Zidane headbutt? A Joey Barton right hook?
Did it, dare I ask, involve biting?
Sorry, But The World Cup Isn’t Going To End Gridlock
An op-ed in today’s New York Times describes the Mexican president’s plan to sneak controversial 
legislation through the Mexican Congress as the distracted masses cheer on the national team in Brazil: “To debate and pass laws that could open Pemex, the nationalized oil company, to foreign investment, the Mexican Congress scheduled legislative sessions from June 10 to 23, dates precisely coinciding with you know what.”
I kind of doubt this ploy would work in the United States. Soccer is increasingly popular here, but if the Democrats had somehow passed immigration reform during the second half of USA-Portugal, people would have noticed.
A Lousy Video About The Offside Rule
If you’re new to soccer and confused about the offside rule, don’t go to Slate.com for help. I’ve enjoyed Slate’s 
coverage of the 2014 World Cup – a new podcast, a regularly updated blog, etc. – but this video, which promises to “clear up your offsides confusion for good,” is pretty awful.
It assures viewers that, without the rule, soccer would be “mayhem, chaos, a catastrophe” but never explains why. (For one thing, strikers would crowd the opponent’s goal, waiting for long balls to be hoofed into the penalty box.) And it repeatedly uses the word “offsides” instead of “offside” — a common mistake, but still.
By the way, if you want to see the offside rule in action, watch a rerun of Italy’s 1-0 loss to Costa Rica. The toothless Italian offense seemed as confused about the rule as the legions of soccer newbies Slate is failing to educate.
Seriously, Who Ditches Work To Watch Honduras?
Yesterday, Joe Biden met with the leaders of several Central American countries to discuss illegal immigration. 
According to The New York Times, Honduran president Juan Orlando Hernandez “sent a top aide to the meeting but skipped it himself in order to watch Honduras play in the World Cup in Brazil.”
The American ambassador to Honduras, Lisa Kubiske, was unimpressed: “Today there is a very important game, but the country has priorities for which the top leader should be present.”
To be fair, watching Honduras play football is arguably even less fun than being lectured by Biden, who visited Natal last week to see USA-Ghana. Honduras is one of the dirtiest teams in the tournament, and a panelist on The Guardian’s World Cup Football Daily podcast said its match against Ecuador was “like watching Stoke under Tony Pulis play Stoke under Tony Pulis.”
I bet Hernandez wishes he’d attended the meeting. He could’ve tried out the WatchESPN app.
I Hope This Was A Joke
Yesterday was bad. But England isn’t this desperate:
I guess it’s easy to say that a coach “deserves to be part of the debate.” After all, what does that even mean? That someone at the FA should say the words “what about Steve Bruce?” and then quickly change the subject? That Bruce merits at least an interview? That we all ought to tweet about him just to see what happens?
In others news, Harry Redknapp says Roy Hodgson should remain England manager and that in the future, the team should try to emulate Brendan Rodgers’ Liverpool. For some reason, he didn’t mention Steve Bruce.
In For The Hat Trick 